


i look through the windows of this love

by jessicawhitly



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 22:57:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20433851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicawhitly/pseuds/jessicawhitly
Summary: “Do you ever think about all the time we’ve lost with each other?” he asks, his voice quiet but steady, cutting through the calm of the house. Joyce sets the iron aside, sliding the shirt onto a hanger as she contemplates the question.





	i look through the windows of this love

**Author's Note:**

> A vaguely modified response to the prompt “stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not”. Title is from Death By A Thousand Cuts by Taylor Swift

In the weeks following Hopper’s return, the slide from friends and coparents into lovers is as natural and easy as breathing.

But there’s something eating away at Hopper- Joyce can tell. But she knows him, and she knows prying it out of him will do no good; not after everything they’ve gone through. Not after everything he’d seen and suffered.

Finally, one night when the kids are out with their friends and they have the house to themselves, Hopper is on the couch, the television soft background noise as Joyce attempts to iron out the lines in one of Jonathon’s work shirts.

“Do you ever think about all the time we’ve lost with each other?” he asks, his voice quiet but steady, cutting through the calm of the house. Joyce sets the iron aside, sliding the shirt onto a hanger as she contemplates the question.

“Of course I’ve thought about it,” she finally answers, hooking the hanger on the banister to bring upstairs later before moving to sit beside him. “But it wasn’t wasted. We’re here now. We’re together. That’s what matters.”

“But all that time. If I had just- told you about El from the start,” Hopper shakes his head, palms flattening against his thighs. “If I had told you how I felt back then...”

His voice goes quiet, and the center of Joyce’s chest burns hot.

“You...would have said something? Then?” she asks, voice soft, and his nod is more a jerk of his neck. Hopper shoves himself to his feet, and cups the back of his neck in his hand.

“I...wanted to. After we found Will,” he tells her gruffly, and the heat spreads. “And then I found El.”

Joyce swallows, and glances down at her fingernails.

“So I just...let you go. Again,” Hopper’s voice grows quiet.

“But you didn’t have to. I could have helped. I could have been there. You shut me out, Hop! Because-”

“Because your boys need you more than I do,” he cuts her off, and Joyce snaps her mouth shut. “Because I suddenly had a kid that I needed to be a father to. Because I couldn’t let the Lab know I had anyone else I cared about. Anyone that could be in danger; anyone else that I could lose.”

His voice grows rough, and he shoves his hands into his pockets before he pulls them back out, running one raggedly through his hair.

“I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to tell you, and ask for your help- and damn it, Joyce, I almost did so many times,” his self-deprecating laugh wears thin, and he swallows heavily as her heart continues to climb until it settles in her throat. “But I was never the brave one, even when we were kids. That was always you. So I kept my secret, and I let you move on, even though it killed me to lose whatever chance I had with you.”

Hopper starts to pace then, anxious and jagged across the space in front of the couch. Joyce’s fingers dig into her knees, processing what he’s laid before her.

“So stop- stop pretending like it’s okay, because it isn’t. It just- it isn’t,” he finally spits out, shoulders tight and up around his ears, the unfamiliar-ly long and patchy beard covering the top buttons of his shirt. “I’ve lost years with you, and with El- with my _family_. I’m not exactly in my prime anymore, Joyce. All that time- it’s...”

He trails off, blinking harshly before he tilts his head up towards the ceiling and swallows again. Joyce’s heart twinges in her chest, and her fingers bunch her jeans as she contemplates the man before her. Finally she stands, and slowly slides her hands up his arms until she can cup Hopper’s cheeks in her palms, turning his face to look at her.

“You’re right. It isn’t okay that you’ve lost so much time,” she murmurs, thumbs stroking over his lips gently. “I don’t mean it to sound like I’m saying it is. I’m just tired of living with any kind of regret when I finally have you here, with me, after thinking I’d lost you forever. When I can tell you that I love you, whenever I choose, and I can kiss you whenever and however I choose, and the only complaints I hear are from our children. I never thought I’d have this, Hop. Not after Starcourt.”

Tears brim in her eyes, and it’s his hands that lift to brush them away, moving to cup her shoulders until she’s pressed against his frame, hips and torsos connected as his eyes study her face.

“I can’t bring those years back. They’re gone. But we have so many years ahead of us, with El and the boys and each other. That’s what I have to think about- what I have to live for,” she whispers, stroking his cheek with her knuckles gently. After a moment his forehead sank to hers, and Joyce’s eyes fluttered shut, a breath of relief leaving her that seemed to wrap around the both of them.

“I love you,” he gets out, voice thick and heavy with emotion. “So damn much.”

More tears dribble down her cheeks as she chokes out a soft laugh, hands lifting to twine through his hair.

“You better,” she whispers before his lips on hers cut her off, his thumbs swiping the drops from her cheeks before he captures her attention with his mouth.


End file.
